Why Every Man I Date Ends Up Competing with Me

Don’t let the title fool you—nothing about triggering insecurity in the ones you love is fun. If I’m being honest, this is one of the only things I dislike about myself. But it’s true: every man I date eventually starts to compete with me.

At first, it seems harmless—subtle jabs, playful debates that feel more like tests, and an unspoken tension in the air. But soon, it shifts into something more insidious: a battle I never signed up for. A game I never wanted to play.

The Power Struggle I Never Asked For

I realize that a lot of people, especially women, might feel a sense of jealousy reading this. The idea that a woman can hold so much power that a man—a person historically placed above her—feels the need to compete? That kind of power sounds intoxicating. But as one of those women, I can assure you—it's not. Because in reality, I frequently give my power away just to keep myself safe.

There is nothing empowering about being with a man who sees you as an opponent rather than a partner. There is nothing fun about knowing that your happiness, your sadness, your very existence is a trigger for someone else's insecurity.

Because when a man feels threatened by the woman he loves, you are in danger.

I Never Wanted to Be a Threat

I’ve always been a smart girl. I don’t take pleasure in rejecting anyone, especially men. I don’t go out of my way to make anyone feel small. In fact, I try my hardest to take myself seriously, especially in the context of a relationship.

When I fight for someone else, I’m really fighting for myself—because I have integrity. I don’t let someone else’s insecurities dictate my self-worth. I don’t allow someone else’s actions to interfere with my self-preservation.

And yet, men still feel the need to compete with me.

This realization is layered and nuanced—it deserves its own blog post—but at its core, what I mean is this: I am responsible with my power. I never put myself in harm’s way. And somehow, that still isn’t enough to prevent the inevitable power struggle that arises in my relationships.

They’re Intimidated Before They Even Know Me

I’ve noticed that the men closest to me become intimidated as they start to get to know me. Which is ironic, because they don’t actually know me at all.

I’m selective with who gets access to the real me. I can hide most of who I am from people for years, so these men aren’t reacting to some deep revelation about me—they’re reacting to the idea of me. Their own projections. Their own fears.

And that’s the problem.

When a man is constantly assuming the worst, constantly trying to "one-up" me, it becomes impossible to foster a healthy relationship. Love turns into competition. Partnership turns into a battlefield. And for that reason, I have chosen not to date at all.

Yes, it leaves me lonely—but at least it keeps me safe.

I Am a Target, Not a Person

I’ve come to realize that I am a target for most men. I am something they desire, but also something they must conquer.

It’s a twisted paradox.

They put me on a pedestal, romanticizing everything I represent—until reality sets in. Until they realize that having me means confronting their own insecurities.

In their eyes, I am everything they ever wanted—and they don’t believe they should be able to have everything they ever wanted. So instead of embracing it, they sabotage it. They search for flaws, convincing themselves that I’m not for them. Because to accept me fully would mean accepting that they were wrong about themselves.

Playing Dumb to Outsmart Them

I have always sensed this in dating, and over time, I’ve adjusted. I overcompensate. I downplay my intelligence. I soften my edges. I make myself smaller to protect a man’s fragile ego—because if I don’t, the consequences could be severe.

And that is the most exhausting part.

If I affirm his low self-esteem, he might take it as an insult. If I shine too brightly, he might take it as a threat. If I’m too kind, he might assume I’m playing games. If I’m too distant, he might try to punish me.

So I bite the bullet. I roll with the punches. Just to keep the peace.

But here’s the thing: no matter how much I shrink myself, no matter how much I dim my light, I still manage to outsmart them.

And maybe that’s why they feel the need to compete in the first place.

Final Thoughts

At the end of the day, I don’t want to be seen as an opponent. I want to be seen as an equal. I want a partner, not a rival. I want love, not war.

But as long as men see my existence as something they have to win, I will continue to choose solitude over sabotage.

Because I refuse to lose myself just to make someone else feel like a man.